joidevivre | Inbox for Folkmore

[a sweetly accented voice says] Hello, this is Joi. Please leave me a message and I'll get back to you as soon as I can. Thank you!

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From:

obeir

There's a conversation K's been putting off for some months now, not wanting to burden Joi with the terrible knowledge that he's had to live with, and hoping he could deal with things on his own terms. And he has been trying... with dubious results. On those particularly bad days where he can't hide how much he's struggling, and Joi looks at him with so much concern and love in her expression, it's almost more than he can bear. Things continue in this troubling state until finally, one day, all of it is more than he can bear.

He's lying beside Joi on their bed with an arm curled around her while he attempts to write music. He's been staring at the unfinished composition in his notebook without making any further progress for a long while now, his mind elsewhere, his thoughts full of static in lieu of the music he'd hoped to compose. His brow furrows as he finally closes his notebook and quietly asks, "Sweetheart, can we talk?"

From:

joidevivre

Joi is nestled into K's arms, feeling content. Feeling feelings she never thought she'd get to express, not as herself.

But she can't help resorting to her programming. "Can we talk," rarely meant anything good. But Joi tried to not seem as apprehensive as she felt as she propped her chin up on her hands which were resting on his chest.

"Of course we can. What's bothering you, darling?"

From:

obeir

"I'm sorry for worrying you. I know you've noticed how... I've been lately." Noticed enough that he figures he doesn't need to elaborate; Joi has always been sensitive to his moods, even when she doesn't know the cause of them. "It's that—" Despite exhaustively running through how this conversation might go in his head, he still doesn't know where to even begin now that it's actually happening. He tries again.

"It's complicated to explain. My memories have been returning. Of the world I was in before the Fox brought me here. Not our home universe, but," he hesitates, thinking, "one probably best described as a nightmare controlled by eldritch beings. I was at their mercy for some years. I know these memories are real, that I lived that life, because they— changed me, my blood. It's still changed. I could show you... And there's someone here who I knew in that other world. He remembers me. We survived because death wasn't always permanent there," he finishes the explanation on a grim note. But that's only half of the story.

"And with these returning memories... I also know what happened to us now. What will happen to us. How you died," he says quietly, tightening his arm around her. "And everything else."

It's clear he doesn't want to elaborate on those details. But he thinks Joi deserves the truth, no matter how painful. There should be no secrets between them, certainly not ones of this magnitude. His voice lowers as he forces himself to continue, "How Mariette used your arrangement to get close enough to plant a tracking device on me." Used them both. But for now he chooses to gloss over his feelings on the encounter, though he knows it's something they need to discuss.

"That's how her group finds me after Luv leaves me for dead and takes Deckard. Mariette's part of— they're all rogue androids, a resistance led by one of Sapper's cohorts, Freysa. They think Deckard's child means freedom for us. But the child's mother, she wasn't one of the mass-produced replicants, I know that much. She was something else. A prototype, maybe, one of a kind. Made by Tyrell and a secret even to the Wallace Corporation. Probably an illegal experiment with transplanting or cloning human reproductive organs. A child born of that means nothing," he says, some bitterness bleeding into his otherwise impassive tone. "But they want to use the child regardless... and they want to use me to kill Deckard, so he can't give Wallace any information that'll lead him to Freysa. They want to use me exactly as humans do. A disposable tool to do their dirty work for them."

He pauses there, a moment to appreciate the horrible irony of it all. Hypocrites, the lot of them. How are they any better than humans themselves when they choose to manipulate, use, and sacrifice their own kind to further their cause? Does that not defeat the very purpose of their cause? It's difficult to hide his resentment. There's a reason he went against Freysa's orders, instead making his own choice and reuniting a father with his daughter. He hopes they're able to escape together, that his sacrifice will have meant something.

"I intercept Luv's convoy and shoot them down. I confront Luv — drown her," though not without incurring fatal injuries himself, "then I take Deckard to meet his child." A beat. "His daughter. Ana Stelline." The memory-designer who'd been overcome with emotion upon seeing his real memory of the orphanage, the wooden horse. Because it was her real memory that never should have been implanted in an android's head to begin with. Releasing a weary sigh, he finishes his recounting of events in a bleak tone, "I die of my injuries on the steps outside her lab."

And that's what awaits him when and if Thirteen sends him back to their home universe.

From:

joidevivre

"Of course I have been. I'm worried, but I don't know if it's entirely my place to ask why. I am...made of programming, even if I think I did transcend it." Joi lightly ran her fingers up K's throat, up to his face, where she cupped his face with her hand.

And at the description of the other world, Joi feels her (unnatural, programmed) breath catch in her throat. So she tries to look on the bright side of things. "I'm grateful you had a friend to see you through that madness. And I'm also grateful he's here, so that the two of you can discuss your shared experiences and try to come to terms with them as best as you can."

"...you do?" Joi said in a whisper, nestling closer to K, reaching out to hold him. She can't imagine that receiving those memories were pretty, especially given all of the givens. She wanted to try to take that pain from him, to take it onto herself. She was strong. She could deal with it.

And Joi felt her blood run cold when K mentioned what Mariette did. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I--I never would have asked her to join us if I had any idea that she's use you like that. All I wanted was the illusion of you being able to make love to me. She was... a means to that end. Not that I'm proud of that, but I felt like I had to."

"My god,' Joi whispered even though god had no influence on her or her experiences. "So I---so I was wrong. I was so sure it was you. I...got your hopes up for nothing. And, Decker? He was still alive? I can't remember the last time he was within society, even accessing my full memory. But you're not a tool," Joi said fiercely. "You're a person, one who deserves as much respect as any other person. You're not all programming, neither am I. We transcended both. You and I."

She didn't know what came after, but she'd be in full agreement should she know. No one wanted to be the tool of anyone else, regardless of whether or not they were human or Replicant. And she woudn't be as appreciative of the irony. She'd be angry. She felt that K was his own man, allowed to forge his own destiny. She didn't care if it was without her, she wanted him to be happy. Safe. Protected.

"So the...child was Decker's," she asked softly.

But the fact that he was left to die of his injuries has her setting up straight in bed, her white silken slip standing out against the dim of the room. "No. No, I refuse to accept it. I can't imagine a world where you're left to die for doing the right thing. There must be another way! What about Deckard and his daughter, I--I don't want to say that they owe you, but. Surely some kind of gratitude should come into play! You will not die there, not as long as I have anything to say about it!"

But she knew good and well that by that point she had no say. Which was likely part of why she was so fiercely defending him.

From:

obeir

K watches her with a sad expression during her vehement denial of his fate. It's understandable, but it's still painful to hear — hurts him because he knows it hurts her. He's had a difficult enough time coming to terms with his fate, with not having a future, and clinging to false hope hasn't helped him. He can't share her denial this time.

"It's already happened..." Will happen. Same difference when it comes to fixed timelines. And there is no changing it, as far as he's aware. He's tried. "I'm physically just from an earlier point in the timeline. Whatever time I'm allowed here is all I have left." He's unable to offer her false hope either, even if it would comfort her. What value would it truly hold when built on a foundation of lies?

"Can you tell me why you felt you had to involve Mariette?" he asks softly, returning to the topic that still holds so many unanswered questions for him. "And without... asking whether it was something that I wanted." She had just assumed. He falls quiet for a long moment before admitting, "I didn't want it. Never like that... a stranger in my bed, touching me in ways that felt — wrong. I only wanted you. I would have said no if I'd known I was allowed to." Though his body had telegraphed his distress clearly enough, and he essentially had told her 'no' when he'd insisted that she was real to him, regardless of her physical state. But she hadn't believed him. Would he and Joi have possibly survived in their home universe if Mariette hadn't been allowed close enough to use him as she had? But he doesn't dare voice the thought aloud.

Even now there are moments when Joi is touching him, kissing him, and he'll see the static flicker of Mariette's visage superimposed over hers, or he'll experience the ghostly vestiges of Mariette's touch. It leaves him cold inside. The fear that the same will occur during any further attempts at intimacy has prevented him from initiating. Though he's never cared for the physical act of sex in and of itself, never needed or wanted it. Without a strong emotional component involved, without intimacy and love, he simply doesn't have any interest and it serves no purpose to him. Joi perhaps still has a lot to learn about him, just as he's still learning about her.

From:

joidevivre

Joi hates the thought of K dying. She'd been at peace with her own death, knowing it would buy K valuable time, but she worries about how he could accept his own. He was the type of person--person, regardless of being a Replicant, that didn't matter--the world needed more of, not fewer.

And Joi blinks rapidly, trying to conceal the face that she had tears in her eyes, try to keep them from falling and asked falteringly "May I ask...all of it? What happened after I died?" Because she needed to know. It would be awful and likely would tear her heart in two, but she needed to know regardless. She needed to know how K would make peace with his own death, if it were possible given all which was going on when she died.

"I...I thought that perhaps it would be pleasing somehow? To be with me in the only way I could possibly see." And she bows her head at the rest of what K has to say, still fighting with tears, though she suspects it may be a losing battle in the end. "I needed it. I think. At least that's what I thought at the time, how could I possibly be real if you couldn't be with me in every way possible?" And in retrospect, she can see how reluctant K truly was and that's when the first tear fell. By the time she made the arrangement with Mariette, Joi had been certain that she was acting fully of her own free will, not simply some programmed instinct for intimacy. She had assumed that her 'sisters' had done similar things and it had been pleasing for their partner, but that assumption turned out to be entirely wrong. At least with her and K. "I--I'm sorry. I made a mistake. It was my mistake, you shouldn't have to have been dragged into it as well. It...I don't think it was fair. To you. To us. And I'm sorry, K. I really am."

If Joi had any idea that K was having flashbacks of that nature, she'd be even more upset with herself and wish desperately that she could undo what had been done. But wasn't that part of being a person? Making mistakes which couldn't be fixed by a reboot or a previous save file? It was a lesson she was taking to heart, vowing to herself that she wouldn't be so foolish again. When she kissed or touched K, she wanted him to see her, only her because this was a place which allowed that. It was a gift, something beyond price, to be able to be here with K forever if possible. But the irony was that Joi was the same. Not because of programming, but because of her. She wanted emotional intimacy. She wanted to feel like she was special, beloved, cherished and K gave that to her. But it was true, there was still much for them to learn about each other, their relationship, everything really.

((OOC: Aimee Mann's cover of The Scientist (so much better than the original Coldplay version!) was playing while writing this at work and I was all "I'm not verklempt! Yes, let me scan that document into the patient's files!" while writing a perspective of someone who wronged the man she loves and wanting to go back to before she brought in Mariette. 😅))

From:

obeir

((OOC: Oooh what a beautiful and sad song! I love that cover, thank you for sharing it. And ouch, it really does hit you right in the feels, doesn't it... my heart. ))

"Immediately after, you mean...?" It isn't a surprising request, given he hadn't gone into much detail about any of the events. "Luv and her remaining cohorts took Deckard and left. I lost consciousness. I was bleeding out— I'd been impaled by a piece of rebar... But I remember gathering the pieces of the emanator," he quietly recalls. Because that was all he'd had left of Joi. And he'd thought that maybe, if enough of the vital parts could be salvaged, if she could be transferred off— he takes a quiet, shaky breath before continuing. "I'm not sure how long it was before Mariette's group found me there. They stitched me together well enough to get me back on my feet. So they could use me. Until Luv later shot and stabbed me."

He'd incurred injuries that would have outright killed a human, but his superior constitution and sheer force of will had enabled him to see his task through to the end. If he hadn't been out in the middle of nowhere at Stelline Laboratories, if he'd received proper treatment to jumpstart his healing abilities... who knows, maybe he could have survived. But at what cost? Hunted for the rest of his miserable life by humans, used as a pawn by the rebellion, all while being completely alone — a living hell.

Joi had perhaps still been a victim of her programming in some ways, then, even if the choice to use Mariette's services had been her own. Companion AIs were programmed and marketed exclusively for humans, and no doubt the average human man would have had a far more pleasant experience than K was able to. He isn't sure how to reconcile the vague feelings of infidelity on top of everything else, even as unwarranted as they probably are.

But K isn't looking to assign blame for what happened, only understand why it did. If there is blame to be placed somewhere between the two of them, he assumes it lies with him and his deficiencies, his presumably abnormal (for an android) emotional attachment, his inability to separate emotions from sex, the list goes on... Her tears make him feel guilty and he isn't sure what to say, just pulls her in closer and holds her tighter for a long moment in silence, thinking.

"We should have talked about it beforehand. But it's okay to make mistakes," he murmurs at length as he brings a hand up to gently stroke her hair, and brushes his fingertips against her cheek in a caress, hoping to comfort her in any way he can. He enjoys sharing this closeness. And could have enjoyed sexual intimacy with Joi — only Joi, without Mariette — even when she'd been limited to a non-physical body. There are so many different kinds of intimacies, so many different ways to express love, after all. "We could still... share that, if it's something you want. With you as you are, this time. And me as I am. And no one else. Just us." He's learnt the hard way that inviting other people into their bed is not something that he'll ever want, regardless of what their involvement entails. He has never wanted to share Joi or be shared himself like that. He doesn't think his heart could take it, not again.

From:

joidevivre

((OOC: I know! It's heartbreaking and beautiful at the same time! Aimee Mann is seriously underrated as a musical talent))

"Luv, that sadistic horror," Joi says in a dangerous tone. "To do such a thing to you. Please, tell me that you killed her in response. She can't have won. She can't. Please."

She could understand why K would want to die after such an experience, but she fiercely believed that the galaxy deserved more people like K, not less. K was compassionate, brave, and good. How could the world be better off with him not in it? She couldn't allow such a thing to happen, even if it took her own life in response. Even if it did, she'd consider it a fair trade. And she had to believe that she'd find her way back to him somehow. As illogical as the thought was, she wanted to believe it with all of her heart.

And it was both programming and nature. She couldn't believe that K would be satisfied with her and only her. Humans would call it low self-esteem, but she wasn't sure how it would apply to a being such as she was. She wanted to do it because she thought he'd want to do it. And she mistook his reactions as shyness, not uncomfortableness because she was being a foolish woman in her desires, much like human women. So perhaps even then, she'd had her own consciousness, but it led her astray.

If Joi had any inkling of K blaming himself, she'd do whatever it took to dissuade him from that notion. it was Joi's decision, Joi's insecurities which led her to that decision. If K had anything to do with it, it was Joi's own mistaken wants and needs to prove to both of them that she could make her own decisions. Even though that decision was faulty in the lack of approach and the assumption that he couldn't be satisfied with 'only' Joi herself.

She'd object even more to him blaming himself for his emotions, for his need for attachment for sex. If anything, that made him even more human in Joi's eyes. He needed the emotional connection, not the physical. How many flesh and blood men could say that? She'd wager that not many could, that many used her 'sisters' as she'd mistakenly used herself. She would soothe him forever from such a view. He was good. He was kind. And more importantly of all, he was and is loving. She couldn't imagine loving anyone but him, how could she have been so blind to not have seen that the reverse was true as well?

And Joi ducked her head as he caressed her, loving the feeling of his hands in her hair. Though, that was an understatement, she loved his touch in any and all ways he was willing to give it. It made her feel like pleasure and tenderness both were running down her spine, back up again to her mind so that she was feeling both heady and loving. "It is...something I want. With you. I want to make love to you and want you to do the same to me. You make me feel...I'm not sure there are words for it. Pleasure is too tawdry, so perhaps comforted? In every sense of the word, in every way possible. I love you. I love being around you. So making love seems like a good way to express those feelings." And Joi felt the same, especially as she now was herself entirely, not just as an extension of what her programming dictated.

That hadn't ruled her reactions to him in a very long time. And she wanted to be sure he knew that.